The thought that keeps coming back to me again and again is the fact that there is nothing I can do other than what I am doing now. I am totally helpless other than taking chemo. And there is no guarantee that this will work. Only time will tell.
I am in the exact same position as everyone else in life, I am going to die. But I have a leg up on everyone else, my time is closer, more personal, more intimate. It sits with me in my chest, with each breath I take. It eats my breakfast with me, it suffers my heartburn. It makes me dizzy when I walk, it makes me feel just generally sick.
Before cancer, I could force death out of my head, put it on the back burner, put it at the end of a very long reading list that I will eventually get around to one summer. Now, death is always there. Right next to me, sharing my space, emotions, thoughts and feelings. Like the marriage I once had, it makes me scared to try something new because I'm afraid what every I do, it too will become damaged.
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