Monday, May 23, 2011
sick
I just realized Chemo is more like being sick. It's like continually being hung over and just trying to get through the day. There are things I want to do, walk, exercise, eat some really good foods. But I can't. I just have to suffer and wait it out. I can't get on a treadmill until this is all said and done. All I can do is suffer the illness. And this is not fun.
The Horrible Thought
The thought that keeps coming back to me again and again is the fact that there is nothing I can do other than what I am doing now. I am totally helpless other than taking chemo. And there is no guarantee that this will work. Only time will tell.
I am in the exact same position as everyone else in life, I am going to die. But I have a leg up on everyone else, my time is closer, more personal, more intimate. It sits with me in my chest, with each breath I take. It eats my breakfast with me, it suffers my heartburn. It makes me dizzy when I walk, it makes me feel just generally sick.
Before cancer, I could force death out of my head, put it on the back burner, put it at the end of a very long reading list that I will eventually get around to one summer. Now, death is always there. Right next to me, sharing my space, emotions, thoughts and feelings. Like the marriage I once had, it makes me scared to try something new because I'm afraid what every I do, it too will become damaged.
I am in the exact same position as everyone else in life, I am going to die. But I have a leg up on everyone else, my time is closer, more personal, more intimate. It sits with me in my chest, with each breath I take. It eats my breakfast with me, it suffers my heartburn. It makes me dizzy when I walk, it makes me feel just generally sick.
Before cancer, I could force death out of my head, put it on the back burner, put it at the end of a very long reading list that I will eventually get around to one summer. Now, death is always there. Right next to me, sharing my space, emotions, thoughts and feelings. Like the marriage I once had, it makes me scared to try something new because I'm afraid what every I do, it too will become damaged.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Naked Lunch
I remember an old Buddhist saying about eating that goes soethig iike this, "7 parts doctor 3 parts Buddha". Yesterday when i was eating my lunch with chopsticks (because I still can't use metal) I saw this saying on the end of my chopsticks. Really I saw it in the relationship between the rice, sticks, table, and me. When I stopped eating, and saw the lunch naked and empty, the relationship naturally comes out. The lunch stopped being lunch. The food stopped being food. And the relationships naturally formed.
The point is not about eating, losing weight, or losing weight. The point is about you and your relationship to reality. If you pay attention to the present moment, and see what is naked in front of you, a whole new universe can open up in front of you.
The point is not about eating, losing weight, or losing weight. The point is about you and your relationship to reality. If you pay attention to the present moment, and see what is naked in front of you, a whole new universe can open up in front of you.
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